The Nats signed 36-year-old scrub pitcher Julian Tavarez to a minor-league deal over the weekend, no doubt buoying their World Series hopes.
No team appreciated poor Julian or his greatness, and he ended up settling for a deal he initially refused early in the off-season. When no other team was willing to give him even that much, the E.T. look-a-like found a funny way to show his appreciation.
"Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."
Right backatcha, handsome.
At least the Nats have grown up. Last year, they were a "bunch of softball girls." This year, they've matured into full-figured club-going ladies.
The ironic thing about this, is that poor Julian has more in common with the 600-pound tubbo than he realizes.
He's the bald, pock-marked, creepy guy nervously standing by the bar, hoping that by buying every woman with a pulse a drink, he'll find someone that'll acknowledge his existence.
Only one woman did though. Our gullible Nats.
The catch is that the Nats weren't stupid enough to stand there hoping for George Clooney. They realize they've got a desperate bum -- one they can boss around to do their bidding.
Start, boy! Now relieve! Now sit on the pine for 13 days! What are you gonna do? Leave us for the Pirates? We know your Boston honey isn't going to be calling you this year. Now rub our bunions.
Maybe in the future, Uncle Teddy will let us hook up with a higher class of pitcher.
Chris Needham used to write Capitol Punishment. He can't wait to hear Bob Carpenter's Tavarez stories.