Not only can't the Nats recruit top-quality free agents, they can't even retain the ones they've got. The Nationals just lost their head groundskeeper to the Minnesota Twins.
How bad are the Nats? They're so bad that the guy who waters their grass is going to an icy tundra where they play baseball indoors on a green plastic carpet! Is he trading his hose in for a vacuum?
OK, OK. That's not completely fair. The Twinkies didn't hire him for his carpet-zipping abilities, but because they're going to open a gilded pleasure palace of their own next spring, and they need someone to start figuring out how to grow grass in permafrost. Aren't those Tuesday night games in April sure to be lots of fun in the Twin Cities?
So while it might leave the Nats in a lurch, there's a bright side for all the Carl Spackler wannabes. They're hiring! (Just leave the dynamite at home, please.)
If you think that you want to "Facilitate all tarp placement and post-game field and turf maintenance as necessary," (among other things), then it's the job for you.
But be prepared. You'll have to deal with lots of challenges ranging from plagues of locusts, to humidity -- not to mention DC's occasional water restrictions. They are, however, gopher free.
So study up, apply, and tell the kids to keep off your lawn.