It’s Media Day, everyone! MEDIA DAY MEDIA DAY MEDIA DAY! The mediaest day of the year!
Not only is Media Day filled with tons of deliciously inane questions, but even better is that the media spends most of Media Day talking about Media Day itself! It’s media talking about media, and who doesn’t love that? Take from someone who has heard Tony Kornheiser talk for three straight hours on the radio about the newspaper industry: media-on-media action is the best kind of media there is!
I kid, of course. Media Day is awful, and it will be doubly awful this year because media people will complain that Media Day was held on a bad weather day, despite the fact that the stadium they’re working in today has a functioning roof and a working thermostat.
You aren’t going to get many good questions out of today. Maybe a small quote that will be twisted into a time-filling, media-concocted mini feud. And, of course, there will be any number of wacky comedy correspondents out there ready to ask Aaron Rodgers what kind of underwear he buys.
But the really crucial questions, the ones you want to see answered, are almost certain to go unasked. I know, because I’ve written them down here, and they didn’t let me fly to Dallas for the game to ask them and then get dragged away by security.
Here we go:
1. For Mike McCarthy: Let’s say there are two minutes in the game on Sunday and you’re at the Steelers 35. Do you elect to punt on fourth down, or do you just cut out the middleman and do it on third down?
2. For Aaron Rodgers: Did you not just see that sickly woman asking for your autograph five seconds ago? You walked right by her, man. What are you, some kind of monster?
3. For Big Ben: How do you move so well yet look so fat?
4. For Brett Keisel: When do you and Mastodon go back out on the road? You missed Scranton the last time you toured.
5. For Mike Tomlin: My buddy House says you look like Omar Epps! ISN’T THAT HILARIOUS? Don’t you think that joke feels fresh and original?!
6. For James Starks: Just how large of a fantasy bust do you plan on being next year after I take you in the fifth round?
7. For Nick Barnett: Nick, could you take a photo with me and my… wait, never mind. You’re injured and useless.
8. For Troy Polamalu: Can I see a photo gallery of all the women who have hit on you, because I bet it would blow my mind.
9. For Roger Goodell: Make a new labor deal, jerkwheat. That’s not really a question, so much as a threat combined with an insult. But I stand by it.
10. For BJ Raji: Is that a mustard stain on your shirt? Seriously, it’s the size of Portland.
Yours in the comments. Happy Media Day, everyone!