College Students to Be Greeted With Swine Flu Upon Return

CDC Release: Good luck, suckers!

By JIM NEWELL
|  Thursday, Aug 20, 2009  |  Updated 7:25 PM EDT
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College Students to Be Greeted With Swine Flu Upon Return

Someone's got the right idea.

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Disgusting college students across the country are in for terrible illness when they return to campus, which they are doing like RIGHT NOW. They may have forgotten about the swine flu from late last spring -- just as they were returning home for their summer vacations (from death) -- but it's still out there. Perhaps not as deadly, but more widespread to be certain. And all of them are going to get it.

Did you skim over that last sentence? All college kids in America are going to get swine flu within the next month, what with their sharing of hats and computers and saliva and food.

At least this seems to be the outlook of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which released a "guidance document" today saying "that colleges should consider suspending classes this fall if the H1N1 flu virus begins to cause severe illness in a significantly larger share of students than last spring." Sense any anxiety in this notice? Maybe the CDC senses a certain likelihood of these outbreaks occurring, since it won't have a flu vaccine ready until mid-October. By then it could be late!

The document offers all sorts of advice for college kids who come down with swine flu, mostly along the lines of, isolate yourself in a dungeon until you are better. Some of the measures are a bit more... cutesy... however:

Those who cannot easily leave campus should stay in their room and pick a "flu buddy," to deliver food and supplies.

The CDC makes it sound so easy! And it is easy to "pick a flu buddy." It's much harder to pick someone who will accept.

Jim Newell writes for Wonkette and IvyGate.

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