Joan Rivers at 80: Still Talking, Cracking Wiser

As Rivers marks a landmark anniversary, the comedy icon remains as funny, and in-demand, as ever.

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    NEWSLETTERS

    TK
    ASSOCIATED PRESS
    Comedienne Joan Rivers turns 80 on June 8, 2013.

    Queue the age gags! Joan Rivers turns 80 on June 8.

    Only thing is, Rivers - a.k.a. the Queen of Mean, host of E!'s "Fashion Police," winner of NBC's "Celebrity Apprentice," star of the WeTV reality show "Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best," groundbreaking comedienne, "Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" regular, red carpet habitué, doyenne designer of QVC, focus of the 2010 documentary "Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work," mother to daughter Melissa and grandmother to Cooper - has probably cracked them already.

    During an interview with the Daily Mail in 2007, Rivers was asked whether she would ever consider retirement. "And do what?" she replied, "Make my friends laugh? Travel around and pay for it myself?"

    “Slow down? Never! Why should I slow down?" she told the Las Vegas Sun. "I’ll only stop the day I die. In our business, you have the opportunity to work. You’d be a fool not to work, so I’ll continue onto the very end and never slow down."

    Still true to her word and with 50+ years of showbiz experience under her belt, the comedy icon shows no signs of stopping. She flies weekly from her New York City base to Los Angeles to tape "Fashion Police," has live tour dates booked around the country through November, and plays host to guest celebrities such as RuPaul, Kate Flannery, Tichina Arnold and Ellie Kemper on her regular web-based series "In Bed with Joan."

    In a candid moment from "A Piece of Work," Rivers admits of aging that "it's the one mountain you can't overcome. I have no one to say, 'Do you remember...?' And that is very difficult."

    Like many of the other hardships she has endured - from the 1987 suicide-death of her second husband Edgar to her admitted battle with bulimia and her bankruptcy - Rivers utilizes her quick wit to not only cope with advancing age, but to show audiences that she too is human and faces everyday emotional ups and downs.

    The one thing she knows now that she wished she knew growing up?  "Sex tricks. I wish someone had taught me sex tricks," she said to the Huffington Post in 2012. "Nobody teaches girls how to be good in bed. It was all trial and error, and in my day, you didn't even talk about it, so it was really finding out by yourself."

    Any upside to aging? "I don't give a damn what people think," Rivers said. "If you don't like my opinion, too bad. That's the only good thing about age."

    To honor Rivers as she heads into her ninth decade, here are just a few choice cracks about getting older straight from the funny lady herself:

    On the process of aging:

    "Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!"

    "It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up."

    "I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'"

    "When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off."

    "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

    "My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time."

    "My face has been tucked in more times than a bed sheet at the Holiday Inn."

    "The last time i saw this much old thigh meat, it was trash day at Chick-fil-A."

    On Joan Collins:

    "Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated."

    On Barbra Streisand:

    "First of all, Barbra. Teeth in before the show."

    "Face it, Barbra was too old for this dress. As is her audience. When she sang, 'Papa Can You Hear Me?' they were going, 'What? What did she say?'"

    On Daniel Craig:

    "Look at his face. He's only 44. The boardwalk on the Jersey Shore is holding up better than his face."

    On Sharon Stone:

    "I just hope I look that good when I get to be her age."

    On Grace Jones:

    "Grace Jones is a grandmother. Can you imagine this thing telling a bedtime story? 'Once upon a time in a land not very far away, a little boy and a little girl were found face down in a shallow grave where they'd been eviscerated by a horrible monster. Sleep tight!"'

    On Goldie Hawn:

    "She'll say, 'Would you believe I have a grown-up daughter?' Yes! Yes I would believe that."