6 Sep 1998: Head coach Jimmy Johnson of the Miami Dolphins looks on during the game against the Indianapolis Colts at the RCA Dome in Indianapolis, Indiana. The Dolphins defeated the Colts 24-15. Mandatory Credit: Andy Lyons /Allsport
Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and spend four hours trying to figure out how to fold up that new stroller you bought for your kid. The instructions are USELESS, I tell you. LET’S GO!
SURVIVOR – 8:00PM (CBS) Could it be? I don’t believe it. It is! It’s an honest-to-goodness fall premiere of a popular returning show! My Lord, it feels like it’s been forever. I feel like I was just ON Survivor, it’s been so long since I got quality network programming. Anyway, the 11th season of Survivor will take place in luscious Nicaragua, where the contestants can presumably run through the jungle collecting spread-firing powerups and shooting pesky aliens. There are two tribes divided by age. The Espada tribe consists of people over 40, including former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson, who is sure to get the boot within three episodes, just because the others will be petty like that. The La Flor tribe (so pretty!) consists of people under 30. It’s oldies vs. younguns! I think we all know who’s winning the shuffleboard immunity challenge. ANTICIPATION: OLD PEOPLE SHIRTLESS!
OUTLAW – 10:00PM (NBC) NBC’s first new offering of the fall is this legal drama starring the always welcome Jimmy Smits, who the ladies hope will flash a cheek or two somewhere down the line. Smits plays Cyrus Garza. Such an edgy name! Cyrus used to be a Supreme Court justice, but then he was like, “I’ve had it up to here with your statutes! I’M OUTTA HERE, MAN!” So now he’s in private practice, taking on cases other lawyers find too hot to handle. So he went from judicial branch judge to crusading lawyer. What a rebel. It’s like I’m staring at Jimmy Dean! ANTICIPATION: OUTLAWY!
TOP CHEF – 10:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal Network) We’re still in Singapore for the finale and tonight it comes down to Ed, Angelo, and Kevin. Last week, I almost grew sympathetic for Angelo while he blubbered up during the elimination. And Ed was kind of a bastard to him all episode long (even happily admitting so). Then there’s Kevin, who seemingly doesn’t belong here but has pulled some serious dishes out of his toquehole over the past two weeks. Maybe he sneaks in a takes home the prize. But the favorite remains Ed, who looks like every guy I’ve ever seen on any local golf course. ANTICIPATION: PADMA IS STILL MEAN!
TOP CHEF: JUST DESSERTS – 11:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal Network) Right after the original “Top Chef” finale comes this dessert-only spinoff competition, hosted by Gail Simmons’ and Gail Simmons’ robust cleavage. Tonight, the 12 new chefs must dazzle famed chocolatier Jacque Torres, whom my mother finds attractive. My mom is a sucker for dudes who sculpt swans out of 75% cacao. ANTICIPATION: SWEETNESS!
AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – 8:00PM (NBC) It’s the finale tonight. Which means that this year’s run of pointless summer programming is jussssst about over. ANTICIPATION: TALENTISH!