Monday Watch List: Ocho! House! Mongolian Tapeworm Feasts!

[UGCHAR-CJ]Nine Inches at 4:30 p.m. In Litchfield, CT

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and prepare yourself for your Senate confirmation hearings as a Supreme Court justice nominee. Are you a liberal, buddy? Are you a conservative? Why are you on the record as not liking pecans? WHY DO YOU DRIVE A TOWN AND COUNTRY VAN?! It’s a withering process. LET’S GO!

DANCING WITH THE STARS – 8:00PM (ABC) Your final five contestants are that figure skater dude, that lady from the Pussycat Dolls, Erin Pageviews, the “Reno 911!” lady, and Chad Ochocinco. I know he has no prayer of winning, but I say GO OCHOCINCO! The world needs Chad Ochocinco as a "Dancing With The Stars" champ, particularly in the wake of Lawrence Taylor’s arrest. We need to know that our NFL players/aspiring dancers still have some measure of moral grit. And who better to restore our confidence in such things than a man who once tried to punch his own coach at halftime? I assume there was a mosquito on Marvin Lewis’ face at the time. ANTICIPATION: GOCHO!

HOUSE – 8:00PM (FOX) So Taub decided to stop cheating on his wife last week. This begs the following question: How’s a short bald dude like him score such quality women? You see his mistress? She’s smokin’, and she’s like eight feet taller than him. What makes him such a ladykiller? I demand more realism from my adulterers. ANTICIPATION: DARK AND STUFF!

TRUE LIFE: I HATE MY PLASTIC SURGERY – 10:00PM (MTV) I do too! I thought your new breast tissue would be much softer than this. I'm afraid we’re going to have to break up. ANTICIPATION: LOVE YOU FOR YOU!

BIZARRE FOODS – 10:00PM (Travel Channel) Andrew Zimmern is back for another season of eating weird stuff and then telling you it’s really not that bad. “This donkey… so TENDER!” We’ll see about that, fella. Mainly, I wish Zimmern had more travel companions on this show. He looks so lonely, eating by himself. It’s like watching those Rachel Ray shows where she walks into a restaurant in Cleveland and eats lunch by herself for under $10. Bring a friend, lady. I’m not here to be your sounding board. ANTICIPATION: WORM SALAD!

BEST FOOD EVER – 9:00PM (TLC) Tonight, it’s bodacious bakeries, including a joint that sells peanut butter French toast. Because the eggs, butter, and syrup were just too light. Why not add suet as well? ANTICIPATION: MMMM, SUET FRENCH TOAST

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