Don't Get Killed on Black Friday

Bonus tip: stay the hell home

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Lambs to the slaughter.

    While some of us are looking forward to stuffing as much Stove Top and canned cranberry sauce down our gullets as humanly possible, other people are looking to the day after, when they can camp out all night in the freezing cold to save 3 bucks on a crappy DVD on Black Friday.

    In the wake of last year's stampede death at a Walmart and various brawls and punch-outs over who gets the last VCR, what can you do to ensure that your family isn't torn apart by ravenous shoppers like a pack of coyotes shredding meat off the bones of some carcass?

    While those kinds of people who place no value on their time aren't likely to heed them, AAA has graciously offered its concern for their safety with these tips, which we've summarized:

    • If the store you're going to doesn't have ropes or other types of crowd control or security in place, be afraid for your life.
    • Like at the movie theater, look for close exits and escape routes.
    • If the crowd starts going crazy, demanding this year's Tickle-Me Elmos, start heading in the other direction and weep for society.
    • If the crowd lurches forward like giant consumerist zombies, slowly work your way sideways before they eat your brains.
    • If you fall, get the hell up.
    • If you can't get the hell up, crawl on to your knees, roll into a ball like a turtle and try to protect your head before the capitalist zombies go for the soft tissue in your head.

    Strangely, they left out what, perhaps, would be the best tip: 

    • Stay the hell home, sleep in, then log on to Amazon or your favorite Web site and shop in your jammies.

    Safe shopping!