There are former players who commentate, and then there are former players who commentate. And then there's Emmitt Smith, who just speaks in tongues on television.
But Dexter Manley is in the middle column, the one in which a former Redskins defensive end would get together with a local production company, wrangle a few sponsors, and put together a show that might best be described as "Dexter Manley meets Telemundo meets Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem during their experimental stage in the '60s."
For that, we should all be thankful.
If the preview clips are any indication, Dexter's Rush Hour is the only show anyone will ever need for anything, ever. In a segment called "Secretary of Defense," Manley previews this weekend's game against the Cowboys, and, well, we'll let him speak for himself:
We need everybody participating: little kids, babies, pooping and everything you got to do. Bring your "A game" Sunday night.
I think they can knock those Cowgirls off the line of scrimmage.
All you law enforcements, you let them scalp those tickets.
You've got players [in Dallas] thinking they're better than you are...people in Washington, the players, it's like you can't even wash our cars.
You'll notice last year, Clinton Portis would get the ball, and run hit the hole and he may fall down. We haven't seen that this year.
Clinton, show the world and the people of RFK -- I mean FedEx Field -- that you still have it.
Every player must bring your "A game." You must be willing to run over your grandmother, your mother, your sister, and your little sister, and all your other sisters out there. Either you got a lot of illegitimate kids, run over them. Run over dogs, cats, whatever it is -- you run over them to beat the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday night...
And with that, this is I'll see you again on Dexter's Rush Hour.
In short, it is everything you could possibly expect from a former Redskin with as colorful a background as Dexter's. And we mean that in the best possible way.
There's a segment called "The Grounds Crew," in which puppets join a miniturized human to make jokes about the offseason lasting longer than a Ken Burns documentary.
There's Professor Dexter's Football 101, in which our lab-coated host "answers critics and fanatics, haters and lovers, puppets and people."
There's even a halftime fanstasy football segement hosted by fantasies "Ginger" and "Kyla."
And in all of them, it's safe to say Mr. Manley is awfully, contageously excited about Sunday night's game -- not that it's going to be easy.
"Mr. Banks," he says to the camera, addressing the Redskins' 5'7" rookie, "we need you to run at least two punt returns back."
We also need this on TV, immediately. Even if it means running over all our other sisters out there.
