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Weekend Watch List: I Want My ChelseaTV!

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Weekend Watch List: I Want My ChelseaTV!

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It’s looking like Chelsea Handler and zoologist boyfriend Dave Salmoni have split. “Up until a couple weeks ago, I was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated,” the E! talk show host said, riffing on her personal life in a Sept. 1 monologue. “However, I enjoyed being in bed with them and may hook up for an occasional project.”

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and apply for health insurance. You’ll never beg for suicide more than when applying for health insurance. It’s like doing taxes, times a hundred. LET’S GO!

2010 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS – 9:00PM Sunday (MTV) Chelsea Handler is your host this year, and performers scheduled to appear include Justin Bieber (BIEBERRRR!) and Kanye West, who takes the stage a mere year after openly dissing Taylor Swift during this exact same ceremony. OMG! Something totally spontaneous and outrageous is totally gonna happen! It won’t have all been carefully planned before the ceremony at all! ANTICIPATION: PHONY!

TRUE BLOOD – 9:00PM Sunday (HBO) Your third season of HBO’s vampire smash wraps up Sunday night with a big ol’ finale, featuring Sookie giving serious consideration to not hanging out with vampires anymore. Among the pluses of not hanging out with vampires: continued living, no danger of becoming a meal, more sunlight, and the freedom to eat garlic fries again. On the other hand, if Sookie doesn’t hang out with vampires anymore, I won’t get to see her spattered with blood on the cover of Rolling Stone again, and man was that HOT. ANTICIPATION: WAFFLEY!

STAND UP TO CANCER – 8:00PM tonight (ALL NETWORKS) ABC, NBC, FOX, CBS, VH1, HBO, Style, and a host of other networks are simulcasting this telethon devoted to raising funds to fight cancer across the US. Appearing to solicit your donation will be many famous cancer survivors, including Christina Applegate, Maura Tierney, Fran Drescher, Lance Armstrong, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, and Sharon Osbourne. As you can see, cancer has some wildly diverse tastes. Try and pitch in a dime or two. ANTICIPATION: WRISTBANDY!

20/20: SEVEN GOING ON SEVENTY – 10:00PM tonight (ABC) Baba Wawa profiles children who suffer from progeria, a rare disease that causes them to age rapidly. It’s just like “Benjamin Button,” only in reverse and much less sluggishly paced. Basically, these kids age as quickly as dogs do. And that’s pretty… ruff? YEEEAAHHHHHHHHHHH! ANTICIPATION: TRAGIC!

FREAKY EATERS – 10:00PM Sunday (TLC) This TLC show features people with nutty food addictions and habits. Sunday night, you get a mother who eats nothing but French fries. Are we sure she’s a mother and not a 4-year-old? Because I know roughly sixty four-year-olds with that problem. Also profiled: a pizza addict who eats 80 times the number of pies an average American does in a year. EIGHTY TIMES. And you know the tragedy of it all? It’ll all be Elio’s pizza. I guarantee it. If it were Totonno’s pizza or Frank Pepe’s, I’d totally understand the addiction. But I guarantee you this person eats horrible, low quality pizza. Such a tragedy to see a solid addiction go to waste. ANTICIPATION: EXTRA TOPPINGS!

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