Puck Headlines: Never fear, Wall Street, Gary Bettman is here!

Here are your Morning Puck Headlines: A glorious collection of news and views collected from the greatest blogosphere in sports and the few, the proud, the mainstream hockey media.

• "So the Dow Jones lost 13 percent of its total value over the last five sessions, and everyone's all panicky. Uncle Gary's here to tell you it's going to be OK. All you need to do is shut down for a year; have some salary rollbacks; a cap linked to revenue; take the stock exchange to Sweden and Wrigley Field for a couple of days, and bingo: A little slice of fried gold I like to call 'cost certainty.' Oh, and never trust a man named Boots. If you're still feeling sad about your present conditions, here are the Islanders. Ding ding!" [NYSE]

• No Red Wings for Old Shanny. [Snapshots]

• Meanwhile, the clock is ticking for the New York Rangers to make some moves with their crowded roster. [THN]

• Mirtle points out the obscene amount of number retiring that will be occurring this season, including Glen Wesley, Glenn Anderson and three Rangers "legends" in Harry Howell, Andy Bathgate and Adam Graves. [Mirtle]

• A cadet from the US Military Academy at West Point bumps into the Philadelphia Flyers, who were training there before the season. [The 700 Level]

• Speaking of the Flyers, defenseman Ryan Parent is out 12 to 14 weeks with a bum right shoulder. Philly defense: Kimmo Timonen, Braydon Coburn, Randy Jones, Steve Eminger, Ossi Vaananen, Lasse Kukkonen and Luca Sbisa. And suddenly Derian Hatcher doesn't look so bad anymore. [Philly.com]

Rostislav Olesz will not be suspended for his hit from behind on the New York Islanders' Chris Lee. [On Frozen Pond]

• MSM double entendre headline of the day: "Souray a natural fit." [Slam!]

• The Carolina Hurricanes have denied a request by the Tampa Bay Lightning to move the start time of their game on Saturday out of consideration for Tampa Bay Rays fans facing a scheduling conflict with the ALCS. The way they played against the Rangers, maybe it's better to go head-to-head with baseball. [Bolts Blog]

• Defenseman Cam Barker's demotion has some Chicago Blackhawks fans upset, but the truth is that he's been underwhelming. "The organization anticipated a 6'3 - 225 pound kid who could utilize his frame wisely to control the action in front of his own net, and use the offensive prowess he exhibited in junior to grow into a power-play quarterback. He's done neither." [Third Man In]

• For the superstitious among us, the Curse of the St. Louis Blues team calendar. [Game Time]

• For the first time in 15 years, New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur will have a new mask, tied in with the debut of his new Web site. "MB30" ... that's a bit more ego than we've seen from Marty in the past. [Devils]

• The Toronto Maple Leafs are expected to suck, so now they're going to the community to charm the kids. Matt Stajan makes a prediction for their game against the Detroit Red Wings on Thursday night: "It's going to be a thrill beating the defending Stanley Cup champs." Thanks, Messier. [Toronto Sun]

• Speaking of delusions of grandeur (OK, a less severe case), Dallas Stars owner Tom Hicks relays this intel: "In the last month we've been hearing from [co-general managers] Les [Jackson] and Brett [Hull], and Brett kind of clearly says the players think they're going to win it all this year." [Star Telegram]

• Finally, we had a video from this dude yesterday, and had no idea it was the work of our buddy Steve Dangle, who did that hilarious "Mats Sundin at the Drive-Thru" bit this summer. Looking like the love child of Jim from "The Office" and an adult Peter Billingsley, here's Dangle previewing the Boston Bruins:

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