Weekend Watch List: Tiger Versus Phil!

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and attempt to cap the BP oil leak by hiring a psychic. Why count on engineers to fail you, when hiring Madame Bubaretska is so much more fun? LET’S GO!

US OPEN FINAL ROUND – 4:00PM Sunday (NBC) Tiger Woods has remained remarkably low-key ever since returning at the Masters and then chickening out with a “neck injury” at the Players. BUCK BWACCCKK! Now, he returns for his second major of the year, at the course (Pebble Beach) where he had his most dominant major win. Also on hand is Phil Mickelson, hero to insufferable men over 40 everywhere. Mickelson can claim the number one ranking with a better showing than Woods this weekend. But I think we all know he’s already number one IN YOUR HEART. Anyway, tune in for gorgeous scenery, along with Johnny Miller being generally unpleasant to everyone. ANTICIPATION: GOLF!

CMT CROSSROADS – 10:00PM Tonight (CMT) It’s a country-rock combination tonight as Keith Urban rocks out on stage with John Mayer. Oh, that’s right! John Mayer plays music! And here I remembered that he only spent his time tweeting and giving TMI interviews where he slags entire groups of people and embarrasses his ex-girlfriends. Fathers be good to your daughters, my foot! ANTICIPATION: YOUR TV SHOW IS A WONDERLAND!

THE REAL L WORD – 10:00PM Sunday (Showtime) Say, remember that show “The L Word” on Showtime? Where they featured attractive and self-centered lesbians bickering with one another? Well, guess what? The network has gone and found REAL lesbians who are attractive, self-centered, and like bickering with one another! All right! It’s just like a decent “Red Shoes Diaries” episode, only it’s real, and passes for legit drama, and David Duchovny isn’t there to creep you out. Everyone wins! ANTICIPATION: LESBIANIC!

TIL DEATH – 7:00PM Sunday (FOX) It’s the final episode of this Brad Garrett sitcom that hung around, oh, eighty years too long. Watch as it says goodbye and joins “Yes, Dear” in the pantheon of terrible sitcoms that hung around for an astonishingly long period of time. Know why this show failed? Because Garrett doesn’t talk funny on it. Talk like Herman Munster again, tallboy! ANTICIPATION: BITTERSOUR!

SCOUNDRELS/THE GATES – 9:00PM & 10:00PM Sunday (ABC) It’s the premiere of these two new ABC summer prime time sudsers. “Scoundrels” stars Virginia Madsen and that one dude from JAG, and it revolves around a family of criminals who have just seen their patriarch go to jail. It’s just like “Arrested Development,” which makes me wonder: Why is it NOT “Arrested Development”? I really liked that show.

Meanwhile, “The Gates” is about vampires. Yep. Vampires. So if you watch “True Blood” at 9PM Sunday and decide that’s just not enough vampire for you, here you go. It’s about people who move into a perfect little town where, as it turns out… say it with me… NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS. Oh, Hollywood. You’re such an easy mark. ANTICIPATION: BITEY!

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