Last week the business pamphlet Forbes published an insane list of the nation's "most livable cities," the criteria for which were fungible enough to allow Stamford, Bethesda, Pittsburgh and Baltimore to all make its top 10.
Baltimore is confused.
Because while Pittsburgh and Baltimore -- although lovely in the Spring -- are both ex-centers of industry that now basically have four total jobs to split between them (which could work out later, let's say in 2017, when all but four people will have abandoned these cities) and constant murder, they score well on a livability list with Stamford and Bethesda, which aren't even real cities so much as they are drab mansion farms for hedge fund managers and important political newspaper columnists.
Bethesda manages to come in at No. 2 on the list, too. You know why? Because it's made of gold, silly! And if you are too, then you might fancy living in it! Forbes, however, instead claims that it's so livable because of its... culture... cultural scene? "Fun things to do"? The Washington Post's Marc Fisher writes:
Forbes gives Bethesda huge props for culture, and it indeed has a couple of excellent theaters -- the Round House is every bit as good as some of Washington's better small theaters -- and a high-end movie house, as well as some fine restaurants. The new downtown is reasonably walkable, if only for a few blocks.
Hmm, come to think of it, we do recall seeing a Chicago Pizzeria UNO restaurant there once, so maybe Forbes is right on the money.
Has America really come to accept the suburban shopping center Bethesda as a culturally vibrant major city? No! This is just some magazine.
Jim Newell writes for Wonkette and IvyGate.