Romney Sells Used Mansions

Mitt Romney is the beloved android who won America's heart when he set the world record for the most mentions of Ronald Reagan in under a minute. He promised to double Guantanamo when other Republican presidential candidates just wanted to keep it open, and he owned so many homes that he used some of John McCain's homes as servants' quarters. And this is why he was elected president in a landslide.

Romney is now trying to sell a couple of his "houses" or "palaces" or "compounds" or whatever you call a large and generally uninhabited dwelling. He's downsizing, to fit America's newly gloomy mood! If you've got a few extra million dollars socked away between your couch cushions, here's what pleasures could await you in one of Mitt Romney's old houses:

• Views of a reservoir and mountains in Deer Valley, Utah
• Eight bathrooms
• Creepy twin girl ghosts who urge you to "come play with us"

Not up your alley? Try the old Romney manse in Belmont, Massachusetts -- it's got "proximity to good schools" as well as:

• A tennis court
• A pink exterior

Romney enthusiasts fret that the former Massachusetts governor might have come upon hard times, like the rest of America. Fear not! He's so wealthy that after wasting $42 million of his own money on his presidential campaign, he dropped another $12 million on a house in La Jolla. More likely he's just unloading what properties he can while there are still a few millionaires in America left to buy them.

Luxury real-estate expert and interior designer Sara K. Smith writes for NBC and Wonkette.