Old people, having missed out on such important technological developments as cellphones, cars, Invisible Fence, MySpace, and novocaine, will not be missing the boat again -- and that's why they have thoroughly embraced the technology of Twitter, which allows users to announce to the Internet where they are and what they just ate for lunch.
To a person with short-term memory loss, Twitter serves a vital function: every time the user announces, "Going across the street to get ice cream," they notify not only their 30,000-odd "followers," but they also establish a record for themselves so that if they end up across the street wondering what on earth they're doing staring at a pint of Haagen-Dazs, they need only check their Twitter status for the magical answer. And then they can "tweet" about their ice cream, which is important!
Several noteworthy oldsters show us just how fun the Twitter can be. Karl Rove and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio both use this technology to stalk Meghan McCain, a reclusive young authoress who appears only occasionally on television shows and large political meetings.
And of course McCain's father, John, broke new ground for the over-70 set when he used his own Twitter account to chronicle his touching transformation from a well-respected senior United States senator into a banal, know-nothing codger with no dignity.
So do these developments mean that hip youngsters will stop using the Twitter, now that grampa's hogging it to remind himself when to turn on the television machine? We can hope! But unfortunately, young people also have the attention span of gnats, which is why we're all doomed.
The Luddite and technophobe Sara K. Smith types all of her writings out on paper and sends them via carrier pigeon to NBC and Wonkette.
