Va. Prosecutor Lets Dog Fondler Get Off Free

Inappropriately touching a dog apparently not a crime in Virginia

By CHRIS NEEDHAM

Updated 11:45 AM EDT, Thu, Nov 19, 2009

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David Pearson

It's not a good time to be a dog in Goochland County, Va. Handlers are free to masturbate their dogs any time they want, at least according to one local prosecutor.

Powhatan County Commonwealth’s Attorney Robert B. Beasley Jr. has declined to prosecute a group of five corrections officers who were previously charged with cruelty to animals, reports the Star Exponent. Police had alleged that one of the group had inappropriately stroked the K-9 as some sort of hazing/bonding ritual during training, while the other four watched and videotaped.

But the prosecutor believes the charges won't hold up in court, so he's dropping the case, leaving no doubt that Virginia's dog masturbators are free to pursue their icky, icky agendas.

So how'd he come to the conclusion that titillating a dog is OK?

He told the paper that he talked to a few vets who told him that someone doing that to a dog likely wasn't permanently harming the animal and that masturbating a dog probably wasn't cruel to the dog.

Hey, as long as Fido likes it, apparently it's OK in Virginia. It is, after all, the state that's "For Lovers."

The problem is that Virginia's bestiality laws only cover, well, "carnal" acts. We won't draw any pictures here, but those are defined as things a step or three beyond what these guys did.

{We'll pause while you retch}

So these guys go free, both the alleged dog fondler and the alleged dog-fondler-video-tapers. But should the hiring manager at the next place of employment or their next date ever hop on the ol' Google machine, that poor dog will have the last laugh.