Wizards Seek Bailout from Obama

Only the president of the free world can save this hapless team

Can somebody please come save the Wizards?

Wait, President Obama is a big basketball fan, right? He can't possibly sit by in good conscience while the NBA team in the capital of the most powerful country in the world spins into the depths of a complete collapse.

Want to improve international relations? How about doing something about the crappy brand of basketball in Chinatown?

And it's not just the Wizards, but as the Washington Post's Dan Steinberg points out, all of D.C. area basketball is tanking. Where better to start than at the top with a little trickle-down basketball economics?

Bullets Forever has pointed out that the Wizards will soon have a salary cap problem. Because of the down economy, they might be teetering on the threshold of the NBA's luxury tax, an area which Abe Pollin notoriously wants to avoid.

Are you catching whiffs of a freshly baked bailout pie sitting on the windowsill?

Sure, some of said bailout money would fund spoiled and pampered NBA millionaires who build grottoes and shark tanks. But if you think the party ice sculpture industry is immune to the economic downturn, you must be crazy. Strippers, clubs, electronics stores, luxury car dealers ... they all need help from NBA money, too.

But if you won't do it for them, President Obama, do it for ol' Abe. I mean, did you see Chinatown before Abey boy moved the arena there? Finding a hypodermic needle in your Kung-Pao Chicken was not an uncommon occurrence.

Last, but not least, do it for the fans. The world's eyes are on the nation's capital right now -- as our happiness goes, so goes the world's. Bail out the Wizards Mr. President, humanity needs it.

Kyle Weidie also writes Truth About It and contributes to Bullets Forever, both Washington Wizards blogs. Because of this, some may call him self-loathing.

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