When the Washington Redskins edged the Detroit Lions last month, the defense played "like the south end of a northbound skunk."
When the defense applied for a job at a grocery store, it didn't get it. Why?
"Because we couldn't sack."
And when a rookie shines on the Redskins practice field, beware!
"I would rather fall in love with a stripper than a rookie -- because they will break your heart."
Defensive coordinator Greg Blache says he caught some flak for that one.
"I won't say anything about the strippers again," he said with a laugh. "I got some e-mails from the 'SRA.' It's like the strippers' NRA."
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Thursdays used to be Clinton Portis' day at Redskins Park, the day the colorful running back would pontificate at large and -- during one memorable season -- show off his array of costumes. Now it's the domain of Blache, the 59-year-old folksy coach whose witticisms have turned his weekly appearance before the media into a must-hear attraction.
"It comes out, and you just hope that you didn't say something that embarrassed yourself or embarrassed your family," Blache said. "And that's why for a couple of years I didn't talk, because if you don't say anything, you can't put your foot in your mouth."
Oh, what twists and turns of the English language the world missed during Blache's boycott. When he resumed talking to reporters this year -- one of the job requirements now that he's in charge of the defense -- he seemed intent to make up for the lost time, even if it's something he says he doesn't particularly enjoy.
"I'd take two prostate exams to one press conference," Blache told reporters during minicamp in May. "This is like a dental appointment."
Since then, the Redskins defense has been compared to "the Confederate army going home," and cornerback Carlos Rogers has become "a good wine" whose "time has come." Blache has said "a real translator ... from the U.N." is needed to understand talkative cornerback Fred Smoot, and he said playing winless St. Louis was akin to "whistling in a graveyard at midnight." (It was fair warning -- the Redskins were upset by the Rams.)
Then there was that game in the preseason in which the defense played "like 3-day-old fish."
"When you're trying to explain to people, you got to think, 'What do people understand?"' Blache said. "Food, hunger, pain, things like that. If I'm conveying a concept, I just try and (make it) something that people recognize and can relate to."
A native of Louisiana, Blache still lives the country life in the offseason at his home in Wisconsin. He said many of his gems -- including the 'skunk' and 'stripper' lines -- were inspired by fishing and hunting buddies.
"You know exactly what they're talking about when they say it," Blache said. "And they'll say it sometimes with a little color and a little humor, and I just think it adds a little spice to life. ... I don't make a big deal out of it until people come back and tell me. Honestly, when I walk away from here, I won't remember half the things I told you because so much of it is spontaneity."
Blache's players say his comments behind the scenes are just as humorous as those uttered for public consumption.
"Every day it's something," Smoot said. "He's says stuff like, 'Your body's a punk, your mind is a leader.' Basically saying you can do anything your mind tells you to do."
"Sometimes he goes up there in the scholars," Smoot said, raising his hand over his head, "sometimes he stays down there in the boondocks when he says such things," he continued, lowering his hand down near his feet.
If he coached for most any other team, Blache's colorful phrases would make him a media superstar. With the Redskins, he's eclipsed by a boss who's even more talkative. There's not a week that goes by in which head coach Jim Zorn doesn't spin a yarn about skinning a coyote or mountain biking with the president.
Needless to say, Zorn is a fan of the Blache blurbs.
"He's got hunter mentality," Zorn said. "He understands about critters and big game, and so he's trying to give a word picture, and I like word pictures."
On Thursday, Blache was as congenial as ever, although there was no laugh-out-load moment as he gave his thoughts about the upcoming game against the Dallas Cowboys. The closest he came was when he was asked if the Redskins defense dictated the game when the teams played earlier this season.
"I couldn't dictate to my kids when they were small," he said.
Blache saved his biggest smile when asked about his hunting trip with 37-year-old son Greg Jr. in Michigan over the bye week.
"He shot an 11-point buck, and he didn't fail to remind me that he did," Blache said. "He strutted around like a peacock."
