Wednesday Watch List: Simon's Last Stand

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you sit at home and fret about the 2014 Super Bowl being played in New Jersey. My God! It could be cold! And what if Bon Jovi plays the halftime show? This could be the end of football forever! LET’S GO!

AMERICAN IDOL – 8:00PM (FOX) Tonight, your American Idol is crowned. But you don’t care about that. Neither Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze are gonna go on to have Kelly Clarkson’s career. No, tonight’s finale is really just a chance for you to see Simon grace the judge’s table a final time before he goes off to “The X Factor” next fall and leaves THIS show hopelessly irrelevant. I almost think he let DeWyze off the hook last night specifically so he could sabotage this show and strengthen his new one. Think about it. The guy’s had one foot out the door all season, and it’s suffered because of it. He’s like Vince Carter in his Toronto days. He’s mailed it in. That’s breach of contract, I think! Anyway, Crystal wins and you can now look forward to a somehow more generic version of this show in 2011. ANTICIPATION: SIMON OUT!

TRANSFORMERS – 8:00PM (ABC) Hop back a few years to the original movie in what is now a dominant global film franchise. Oh, it was a simpler time back then. Shia LeBeouf wasn’t hitting people with his car. Megan Fox was just an innocent young girl washing Michael Bay’s car. And there were no jive talking robots who may or may not have been racial stereotypes. Oh, what a time it was. So young. So full of promise. ANTICIPATION: ROBOTS!

UNDERCOVER BOSS – 8:00PM (CBS) The White Castle CEO has trouble in his own bakery. That pesky Harold and Kumar have grown Velvet kush in there again! “Bakery” takes on a whole new meaning! ANTICIPATION: WEEEEED AND BURGERS!

CSI: NEW YORK – 10:00PM (CBS) It’s your season finale tonight. Last chance to watch Gary Sinise grimace before summer’s out. ANTICIPATION: MUTED TONES!

TOP CHEF MASTERS – 10:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal network) Tonight, the master chefs cook dishes inspired by Greek Gods. All Hermes dishes must be cooked using the microwave, I assume. And all Zeus dishes must be lightning heated. Ever thunderbolt a ribeye? Not bad! ANTICIPATION: MASHED POTATOES OF THE TITANS!

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