Thursday Watch List: Tequila Chased with Shatner

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and dig out your car. There’s nothing better than turning on your car’s heat full blast, waiting ten minutes, and then wiping giant chunks of snow off the windshield. Take that, snow! LET’S GO!

JERSEY SHORE – 10:00PM (MTV) The Situation (call him Sitch!) finds out that Deena is hiding a dirty little secret. Uh, have you seen Deena? Isn’t it clear that she’s hiding many dirty secrets? Does she not look composed ENTIRELY of dirty little secrets? Are they even secrets when the giant tattoo down your ribcage screams out to be people, “I have a questionable past!”? I say no. ANTICIPATION: DEENIED!

S@&T MY DAD SAYS – 8:30PM (CBS) Tila Tequila guest stars. Yes, that’s right. Someone out there decided to give Tila Tequila freelance work. For that alone, bad things should happen to this show. Tila Tequila is an alien sent to infiltrate our circulatory systems and spawn inside our blood vessels. Then, she’ll steal all our copper. ANTICIPATION: TEQUILA!

ARCHER – 10:00PM (FX) The brilliant animated comedy returns for a second season. I don’t know what I missed more: Jon Benjamin in the title role or the hotness of Lana Kane. Don’t judge m e for being in love with a cartoon. She’s Jessica Rabbit hot. ANTICIPATION: TASTELESS!

WINTER X GAMES – 9:00PM (ESPN) The Olympics for kids who like to smoke weed and have parents who can afford to buy them K2’s and a season lift pass kicks off in Aspen, Colorado. Aspen: Home of the common man! Finals tonight include snowmobiling and snowboarding. As a rule, I never consider a sport a sport if it includes “McTwist” in its vocabulary. Sounds like a dessert at McDonald’s. In fact, I’m certain it is. ANTICIPATION: PEOPLE FALLING!

SUPERMARKETS INC: INSIDE A $500 BILLION MONEY MACHINE – 9:00PM (CNBC) From Whole Foods to your local mom and pop grocery store, learn all the ways the supermarket industry is able to get you to spend $100 at the store every time you go, even if you were just going for milk. Curse you, bakery aisle. Like I can resist a maple long john. ANTICIPATION: TASTY EXTORTION!

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