Thursday Watch List: Return To Jersey!

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and run your mail order healing crystal necklace business. LET’S GO!

JERSEY SHORE – 10:00PM (MTV) Did you miss The Situation and company? What’s that? You just saw them for twenty hours yesterday? Well, time to up your dosage because the gang is back again for a new third season starting tonight. And the setting returns to Jersey, where there will be much eating and drinking and pretend arguing. Out of group for this season is the nutty Angelina, who is replaced by Snooki’s friend Deena. Will Deena be makin’ some trouble? Oh, you know she will.

Someone needs to explain to me why this show is produced the way it is. For one thing, there’s a black box around the screen the whole time. Does this show really require artistic cropping? And what’s with all the scratch mark effects on the footage? It’s like the worst Nine Inch Nails video ever. ANTICIPATION: JERSEY!

WIPEOUT – 8:00PM (ABC) It’s the season of the show you thought ABC only aired when they had no actual shows to give you. This season has a winter theme, so expect lots of snowy obstacles like the spinning ski lift and the man-eating reindeer. Just kidding. There are no man-eating reindeer. But there SHOULD be. By the way, if I were a billionaire, I’d definitely pay to erect an elaborate Wipeout style obstacle course in my backyard. Does falling onto large mats ever get old? It does not. ANTICIPATION: INJURY!

CSI – 9:00PM (CBS) There’s a dead hooker in a dumpster tonight. There’s always a dead hooker in a dumpster on this show. Oh, and Carrot Top guest stars. I kid you not. I assume he’ll be bringing his novelty basketball/tissue box with him. Wherever Carrot Top goes, murderous rage is sure to follow. ANTICIPATION: DISTURBING!

GREY’S ANATOMY – 9:00PM (ABC) There’s a school shooting, which reminds the doctors of the shooting they went through. I see the writers of this show figured out the formula. Mass shootings equals ratings GOLD. Throw in Carrot Top and a dead hooker and it could easily dominate. ANTICIPATION: BODIES!

ESQUIRE’S ULTIMATE BACHELOR PAD – 10:00PM (DIY) A rotating hot tub? Well played, Esquire. ANTICIPATION: SINGLE!

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