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When #MeToo Has a Downside: Survivors Speak on Going Public With Stories of Assault

“Our stories aren’t perfect. None of us are perfect victims,” one survivor said

This story was reported as part of The New Boundaries project at American University. Go here to see the full project, at newboundaries18.org.

Can publicly sharing a story of sexual assault have a downside for survivors? Some survivors say yes.

In February 2016, before the #MeToo movement spread around the world, Laura Gianino published an essay on the feminist news site Bustle about being raped by an ex-boyfriend. She said that while she did not say “no” or “stop” during intercourse, she considers the experience to be rape.

Gianino, a writer and publisher in Brooklyn, expected the essay to be posted on the site and disappear as quickly as it was written, lost in a sea of other content.

She had no idea that the initial piece would gain the type of attention it did, let alone that it would help fuel a national conversation.

“The Bustle piece, I really thought it was just going to go out into internet oblivion,” Gianino told The New Boundaries.

Instead, she got several comments about the essay on the news site’s Facebook page and on her personal social media accounts. While some of the comments were positive and supportive, many were negative.

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“I mean that’s not fair,” one person wrote. “You have to be an adult too. You have to say no. How is he supposed to be responsible for your half?”

Gianino said that in the comments, strangers discounted her experience and called her a “slut,” and anonymous women idolized her bravery and held her to standards she felt she’d never be able to reach.

“I received messages that I still to this day have not answered because I just don’t feel like I’m qualified to answer them,” she said two years later.

Gianino wrote about that response in a second essay for the site, detailing the array of reactions she received, mostly focusing on the “slut-shaming” she experienced.

In her follow-up, she said some of the most hateful comments came from the women for whom she was writing the article, those who believe that consent cannot be changed during sex.

She hoped to receive unconditional love and support from the people closest to her, but she was met with contempt from strangers and some family members who still like and maintain contact with her ex-boyfriend.

“Part of me wishes -- I do -- I wish that I had never written it, because I feel like I saw a different side of people in my life who I had thought were just going to support me, and didn’t,” Gianino said.

She did not report her rape to authorities because she wasn’t sure if what happened would meet the legal definition of rape. 

When #MeToo Stories Are Met With Support

According to Sarah David Heydemann, a workplace justice legal fellow at the National Women’s Law Center, the #MeToo movement has sparked an increase in the number of survivors of sexual assault and harassment sharing their stories.

For Deanna Zandt, a media technologist from New York, going public with her story of sexual assault by her former boss in a March 2018 episode of “This American Life” was a positive experience overall. 

In the episode, in which five women describe their experiences of harassment and abuse by their former boss of a progressive news magazine, Zandt explains how her relationship turned from fun and empowering to emotionally and physically abusive.

“It was kind of three months of, ‘I have no idea what they’re gonna say about me,’” Zandt said about recording for the podcast. “Especially being in the position I was in, where I was in this consensual relationship that was an affair that had turned abusive.”

Zandt said she attributes much of the public acceptance of her story to her personal privilege and her close-knit support system of professionals in the media.

“Our stories aren’t perfect. None of us are perfect victims,” she said. “I’ve kind of made peace with the fact that people who will love me, will love me, and people who aren’t, aren’t, and there’s nothing that I can do about that.”

The magazine executive told Buzzfeed he denied most allegations, and later was quoted saying he overstepped boundaries in his work. He resigned from his position in December 2017.

Like Zandt, Gianino would receive support in the #MeToo era.

In October 2017, she published a third piece online -- this time with The Washington Post in the wake of the #MeToo movement -- about how she wishes she never went public.

She said when she first wrote for Bustle, she was not aware of the repercussions that would come from sharing her story.

“There was more support because I published it in the time of #MeToo,” Gianino said about her latest piece.

But she said fears that even a powerful national conversation like the #MeToo movement won’t stop internet trolls and those who set out to shame and blame victims.

The Big Picture

Heydemann said that while there is still stigma associated with coming forward with a story of abuse or harassment, the #MeToo movement has lessened it.

“It’s also about just being able to construct a narrative and have a conversation that places the onus and the burden on the bad guy -- the harasser, not the person who came forward,” Heydemann said.

She said the #MeToo movement has brought more experiences of sexual assault and harassment to light, which has helped the Law Center develop a platform of victim support for those wishing to share their stories, whether publicly or privately.

Heydemann said that on an individual level, it is important that survivors have support from friends and people such as community or spiritual leaders, even if they do not want to take legal action.

“We know that women need to be able to tell their stories and need to be able to tell them in a way that doesn’t leave them worse off than they were before,” Heydemann said.

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