Single Moms by Choice: Black Women Share Their Journey

When Aisha Jenkins felt a burning desire to become a mom, she was single. She had married her college sweetheart and gotten divorced after five years. She was 29 and didn’t want to give up on her dream. 

“I remember crying to my sisters. I cried to my stepmom. And my stepmom, who is deeply religious, in her 60s, was just like, ‘If you want to have a baby, go have a baby,’” Jenkins said. 

That encouragement from her stepmother ignited her journey. She began researching fertility clinics and sperm donors. After several rounds of in vitro fertilization, she delivered a beautiful baby girl. Years later, a second baby would follow.

“I have zero regrets,” Jenkins said. 

She wished, though, that she had connected sooner with other Black women pursuing single motherhood. 

“Black women in particular — choosing this path is not easy because of what society tells you you can do,” she said.

In summer 2018, Jenkins connected with Hera McLeod and other women who had created an online community for Black single mothers by choice, or SMCs. The group is called Mocha SMCs. 

While there has been a global SMC community for some time, Mocha SMCs are their own growing force in Washington, D.C. They meet virtually every week and in person several times per year, with and without their children. They say their gatherings provide time to unwind and unpack the ups and downs of motherhood.

This is the hard I will choose every day, because I get to make all the decisions. I don’t have to fight with a partner about things like school and whether we’re gonna move or just the day-to-day stuff.

Hera McLeod

Hera McLeod, another member of the group, said it’s been meaningful to be part of a community of women of color having some of the same experiences. Some members of the group already had met in the larger SMC community. 

“It was that feeling of, like, there are certain things we can talk about in this space and there are certain things that we’ve got to talk about with family,” she said. 

McLeod found herself single and heartbroken after her first child passed away in a tragic domestic incident. 

“I was still a mom but I no longer had a child,” she said. 

She decided it would be OK if she never married but not if she never had children again. After undergoing IVF with donor sperm, she brought two more children into the world. She joined Jenkins in creating the Mocha mom group and hasn’t looked back. 

“Us as Black women, we have things that are unique to our experience. Black maternal health comes up a lot. Choosing a sperm donor is a different lens for us, and schooling, and medical care for your child,” she said.

McLeod said she has moments when she wishes that her family had a second salary. But she leverages her community. 

“Don't have pity on me. I chose this. I'm super excited about my life. I have zero regrets about having the kids the way that I did,” she said. 

D.C.’s growing community of Black single mothers by choice inspired Jamela Black to follow her own dream of growing her family. She’s been through several rounds of IVF with donor sperm over the past year, and is preparing for an embryo transfer in hopes of welcoming a baby in the future. 

Members of the group said they know this path is not for everyone. But they aren’t asking for permission. They’ve done their research, talked to medical experts and have the support of family, friends and a community they’ve built. They hope they can encourage other women.

“It’s being in a community with women who have chosen this path, and in particular Black women who will need that encouragement to say, ‘It's OK to step off of the path that people say is right for you,’” Jenkins said.

McLeod said, “This is the hard I will choose every day, because I get to make all the decisions. I don’t have to fight with a partner about things like school and whether we’re gonna move or just the day-to-day stuff. I know for me, I’m just so thankful. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”