Right now you're probably staring at blank federal income tax documents, realizing that you probably won't get the forms filed on time, which would be kind of moot anyway, since you've already blown your entire bank balance on big screen TVs, iPhones, and Internet pornography.
But someone may call you in a few minutes offering inclusion into a "secret program" that exempts you from paying Uncle Sam a single penny! That's right, you can put "0" in that adjusted gross annual income column. Loopholes, you see. 100 percent legal.
HMM BUT NO.
The IRS does not cotton to "schemes."
The Washington Post writes this morning about the growing number of Tax Defiers, who assume they've mastered the tax code to a tee and never have to pay the IRS anything, ever, until the IRS sends them one sternly-worded letter that scares the dickens out of them.
Former D.C. police Detective Michael C. Irving, the Post explains, is now in jail for tax evasion after buying into one of these secret fraud schemes, which started when he "was looking for a way to keep more money in his pocket" and "settled on a little-known 'program' that he claimed exempted him from income taxes." For three years, he did not pay any District or federal incomes taxes on $450,000 in earnings:
Irving got the D.C. police payroll office to stop withholding his taxes. He created a trust, believing it would wipe out his tax liability.
The IRS Web site has a very clear policy on "Abusive Trust Tax Evasion Schemes," specifically that someone who sets up one or several trusts to hide or disguise their income or assets IS STILL DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING TAXES ON THOSE THINGS. Nice try!
And don't even think about paying the IRS in tea bags. Not legal, at all.
Jim Newell writes for Wonkette and IvyGate.