College Park Students Look to Limit Punishment in Alcohol Emergencies

Because all the kids do these days is drink and watch pornography

Those vile pagans at the University of Maryland, College Park, are up to their old valueless tricks again, it appears.

The same miscreants who recently forced the entire student body to watch a ludicrous pornographic film about pirates for 100 hours straight -- no bathroom breaks -- and then traveled to the socialist nation Sweden to compete in illegal digital warfare have another anti-Christian plot on the agenda: forcing all students under 21 to drink until they have to be taken to the hospital by their enablers, who demand amnesty.

What a shame that the Maryland General Assembly session is over, because now Sen. Andy Harris can't threaten to withhold the university's entire funding again over a minor student issue.

The student government is considering a proposal to "lessen the penalties for violating university alcohol rules if a student is caught because he called authorities out of concern for someone's safety." (Does this only apply to males?) Meaning that if some joker downs 90 shots in 90 seconds and appears to have alcohol poisoning (a lightweight to be sure), his buddy could call an EMT and be granted immunity from punishment for violating the school's rules against drinking in the dorms.

This is a safety incentive that many colleges -- including George Washington and UVA -- have adopted versions of in recent years. Because you know how it is, with college students. If someone is dying of alcohol and his or her friend could get in trouble by calling an ambulance, the best option is usually to let the friend die alone. That's the way he or she would've wanted to go, anyway.

The university senate will vote on the measure tomorrow. Andy Harris, if you're out there, please answer our prayers in the next 24 hours! The school needs you to take away all of its money!

Jim Newell writes for Wonkette and IvyGate.

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