The American people -- and specifically those in Maryland -- want one thing in this dystopian economy, and that is to gamble away their remaining four cents of total wealth on slot machines at some vulgar mall in northern Anne Arundel County.
The Anne Arundel County Council has been expecting to vote on a zoning bill this upcoming Monday that, if passed, would allow slot machines at the Arundel Mills mall in Hanover, most famous for its campy Ancient Egyptian-themed movie theatre, as well as a Best Buy.
The Baltimore-based development company Cordish has proposed a "200,000 square-foot entertainment complex... that would include upscale restaurants, a live entertainment venue and a casino with 4,750 slot machines." Cordish, it would seem, would prefer to see the council pass this bill.
But now the council, still split on the slots issue, appears likely to delay voting for a fourth time while it weighs various foo-foo amendments about, hmm, preventing the evil slot machines from chasing schoolchildren with butcher knives in the mean streets of Hanover.
"This bill offers us zero protection, and it gives us no buffer zone. This casino would be right next to our churches, our community centers; its very scary," said Joseline Castanos, a resident of the village of Dorchester in Hanover and member of Stop Slots at Arundel Mills.
Proponents of the complex, however, argue that slots would bring such impractical things as employment opportunities in a terribly unemployed region. Well, if these lazy hedonists hate unemployment so much, then maybe they should stop whining and go get jobs already.
Jim Newell writes for Wonkette and IvyGate.