The bike under the tree: Automatic DQ for Aly and AJ’s “Greatest Time of Year,” which is in fact the greatest song on this compilation. But it’s recycled (as is Miley Cyrus’ “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town”). So I’m gonna go for the Jonas Brothers’ “Joyful Kings,” which intros with enough power to hammer all Christendom, a choice that only highlights the Brothers’ puny voices.
The lump of coal: Demi Lovato’s “Wonderful Christmas Time.” The Paul McCartney chestnut is almost bulletproof, but Lovato sings it as if she were strapped to the bow of a war schooner, trying to overpower the sounds of cannons and crashing waves.
Cheer factor: 25 out of 10—blaring but polite electric guitars, pealing bells of joy on what feels like every freaking song, no suggestion that anyone besides the Plain White T’s (and maybe Marié Digby) has developed secondary sexual characteristics. It’s basically perfect.
LISTEN: Jonas Brothers’ “Joyful Kings”