Obama Wants to Take Away Your Space Weapons

Reckless pacifism could leave us vulnerable to alien invasion

The only thing Americans love more than wars is space wars.

That is why literally millions of people will diligently sew their own Jabba the Hutt costumes and wait in mile-long lines with countless other desperate dorks in order to attend the premieres of such cinematic masterworks as Star Wars, Starship Troopers, and Battlefield Earth. There is nothing we enjoy quite so much as seeing a brave human warrior narrowly escape dismemberment by a space monster before he is rescued by a hovercraft with blinky lights.

Barack Obama is determined to snuff out our venerable American obsession with intergalactic violence by proposing a ban on space weapons.

Moments after Obama's inauguration last week, the White House website was updated to include policy statements on a range of issues, including a pledge to restore U.S. leadership on space issues and seek a worldwide ban on weapons that interfere with military and commercial satellites.

It also promised to look at threats to U.S. satellites, contingency plans to keep information flowing from them, and what steps are needed to protect spacecraft against attack. Well that is just no fun at all. If our "spacecraft" never gets "attacked," how will we ever be able to commence a generations-long struggle between Earthlings and the devious legions of insectoid plotters who want to use us as slaves in their uranium mines?

In the past, Obama has also proposed "code of conduct for responsible space-faring nations," which sounds dangerously like socialism.

For a long time now, certain Obama detractors have suggested he was an illegal alien with anti-American proclivities who would use the levers of the presidency to ascend to global domination. If only we'd known how ambitious he truly was! This space alien doesn't just want to run the world -- he wants to run the universe.

Sara K. Smith writes for Wonkette.

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