Masked White House Menace Foiled

Nation can rest easy knowing President Obama is safe from raccoons

Throughout his short tenure as president, one foe has bedeviled Barack Obama above all others.

Nope: not our relentlessly bad economy. Not congressional Republicans, either. Not the Iranians or the feuding Israelis and Palestinians. Not the mainstream media or Rush Limbaugh.

It's raccoons.

Raccoons have had it in for President Obama since Day 1. They have systematically attempted to invade the White House grounds, slipping stealthily past security checkpoints and threatening Obama with the most fearsome biological terror tactic since ebola: rabies.

After several weeks of evading capture by the National Park Service, the Obamas' nightmare predators have finally been apprehended. Or, one of them has, according to the Washington Post.

In keeping with the interests of national security and animal civil rights, President Obama's staff released few details of what was described as a "live capture," in which the raccoon was caught and whisked away to an "undisclosed location."

Deputy White House Press Secretary Bill Burton said it was "unclear" when the animal rendition occurred, saying only that it happened "recently."

Obama should be careful what he wishes for. Nature abhors a vacuum, and with a raccoon gone, some horror beast that's ten times worse is sure to replace it -- perhaps one of the six-legged, pig-sized, winged and fanged rats that DC is so famous for. Either that or John Boehner.

The masked mammal bandit Sara K. Smith writes for NBC and Wonkette.

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