Burris Holds Contest to Honor Great Non-Burris Illinoisan

Lincoln essay competition is ripe for scams and subterfuge

Roland Burris is perhaps the greatest senator from Illinois since Abraham Lincoln, who was of course never elected senator, but then neither was Roland Burris! They are so much alike, you see!

Burris, like all people from Illinois, likes Abraham Lincoln and essay contests. And to celebrate these two things, he is holding an essay contest about Lincoln.

Sorry, grown-ups -- this contest is only open to children in grades K-8, because Abraham Lincoln hated adults. Here's the scoop, according to a press release from Senator Burris' office:

In recognition of the Abraham Lincoln Bicentennial, Senator Burris is asking students all across the Land of Lincoln to write an essay answering the question, “Why is Abraham Lincoln Still Important Today?”

[...] The students who send in the best submissions to Senator Burris’ Lincoln Essay Contest will be rewarded by having their essay included in the Lincoln Capsule, having their essay entered into the Official Congressional Record, receive a personal note of congratulations from Senator Burris; and the school with the highest level of participation will receive an American flag flown over the United States Capitol Building during the 200th year since Abraham Lincoln’s birth.

The winner will be determined thus: by submitting an essay to Burris' office, then calling Burris' office and discussing holding a fundraiser for the senator, making a few more calls to see if a fundraiser is feasible, and then conveniently forgetting that any of those conversations happened. Then, when the winner is announced and it happens to be somebody who has expressed an interest in helping out Senator Burris in whatever way is most appropriate, the winner claims that no subterfuge occurred.

And thus the sacred dream and memory of America's bravest and most respected leader -- we speak here, of course, of Senator Burris -- will be upheld, while also honoring that other guy, Lincoln.

Sara K. Smith writes for NBC and Wonkette.

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