New moms, I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The bad news is that your kids will never outgrow the two a.m. feeding. The good news is that eventually they'll ditch the breast for the bag. You'll no longer need to get up. But you will need to keep them stocked up.
On what you ask? Cheetos. Tostitos. Doritos. Fritos. And all manner of fat-filled, sodium-infused snacks.
Of course, I'd never assume it's exactly this way in other people's homes, and I'm relatively certain boys are guiltier of this than girls. But it's been my experience, thanks to my sons, that not only does the two a.m. feeding persist, but at some point they add ten p.m., midnight, and four a.m. kitchen raids to the roster.
Every morning I go in to awaken my 17-year-old so he doesn't miss the school bus, and every morning I step on a bag of whatever he inhaled the night before. Sometimes it's Sour Crème and Onion potato chips (a.k.a. the birthplace of morning breath). Other times it's Fritos. And every now and again he ditches salty for sweet and I'm crunching a sleeve of Chips Ahoy beneath my feet.
Of course I don't like the junk he ingests, but I buy it, so I'm the one to blame. But I also can't blame him. He's 6'5", still growing, and hungry ‘round the clock.
He's also skinny as a Bachman Pretzel Stick. Oh how I wish there was medication that could give me that metabolism.
Up until recently I thought it was just my big guy who did the late night noshing. But in the wee dark hours two days ago, I stepped in an uneaten bowl of chocolate pudding by my younger son's bed. As we have three dogs, two cats, and a goat that occasionally gets in, you can see why it's possible the people in Fairbanks heard me freak.
You're right if you're thinking I could turn on a light and see where I'm going. But why blind my boys when I can deafen them with the "What the hell was that?" scream I've got down to a science?
Mornings in our house are pretty loud affairs with laughter, back rubs, conversation, and, occasionally, the brazen consumption of whatever snack food I've played footsie with. Trust me when I tell you, there's nothing like starting the day with Cheez-Its and a huge glass of chocolate milk. It's more than the breakfast of champions. It's the fastest acting colon cleanse in the country.
So new moms, take heart. You won't always have to get up for the two a.m. feeding. Eventually your kids will replace the breast with the bag. But just watch where you walk when you wake them. The folks in Alaska still haven't accepted my apology.