It's a good thing Dan Snyder's lawyers are here to protect us. His highly paid and brilliant legal minds are working hard to eliminate the scourge of papercuts from this planet.
Who among us has not suffered the nasty gash on our hands, bleeding and oozing, causing untold pain to hundreds and thousand, no, make that millions of innocent victims.
With all that misery in mind, the Redskins' lawyers are seeing fit to declare FedEx Field the first "Papercut Free Zone" in this beautiful country. We should all applaud their foresight and vision and their dedication to eradicating the untold destruction and wasted plasma of papercuts.
How are this brilliant legal and medical minds doing it? By banning any and all signs.
In an interview with 106.7, as relayed by the Bog, one of the Skins head lawyers reinforced the policy:
"We DO have a prohibition against signs and banners in the stadium, and we don't care what they say, we take 'em down. They get in the way of other people viewing the game, and people get poked in the head. That stuff happens. We have an absolute prohibition. We don't care what [the signs] say."
They're just looking out for you.
And truthfully, though the team is far too modest to admit it, this isn't just about papercuts, but eye gouges. The corners of poster boards come to a little sharp point. An improper swipe, and BAM! There goes an eyeball. And frankly, no Redskins fan should want to see an eyeball pop out at a football game.
So criticize Snyder's actions all you want, but you're missing the point. Redskins fans today are safer than they ever have been thanks to this man's efforts. Applaud him. Salute him.
No longer are you at risk of being damaged and hurt by the capricious way with which fans wave around their deadly eye-piercing weapons. And if Snyder continues on his current path, he'll ensure that you'll no longer risk being hurt by fans at FedEx entirely -- though you'll have to be careful not to trip over those empty seats.