Notre Dame Hires Shiny New Scapegoat

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    Cincinnati coach Brian Kelly is expected to replace Charlie Weis at Notre Dame.

    Step right up, Brian Kelly! You have the privilege of being chosen as just the FOURTH recent scapegoat for Notre Dame’s football failure! Kudos to you! It’s a very lucrative gig that doesn’t even require you to buy a house, or even unpack!

    You’ll be following the footsteps of some extremely hard-working and talented scapegoats. Bob Davie. Ty Willingham. Charlie Weis. They all made wonderful scapegoats, and with the right attitude, you can too! Here are some of the fantastic perks of your new job as school scapegoat:

    UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

    Yes, you’ll be in charge of a football program that hasn’t won a national title since 1988, and hasn’t played in any national title game since the advent of the BCS in 1998. Yet your school will still expect you to win the national title every year! In a way, it’s just like coaching at Clemson, only worse. But there’s more!

    IMPATIENT FANS

    Now, I know you won’t have Golden Tate next year, and you won’t have Jimmy Clausen to overthrow every receiver by 90 yards in the fourth quarter, but that shouldn’t matter. Notre Dame doesn’t rebuild. IT RELOADS. So have fun trying to win games for a fanbase that’s as spoiled and demanding as that of the Washington Redskins.

    JESUS WATCHING OVER YOU

    There he is: Right over the end zone. He’s staring at you. Always. He’ll be watching you. Keeping tabs on you. Searching for imperfections. The son of Our Lord is a micromanager like that.

    PESKY ACADEMIC STANDARDS

    Now Brian, I know you’re used to coaching at Cincinnati, former home of Bob Huggins. You can gain admission to the U. of Cincy merely by presenting $20 in fees and a Subway Club card.

    But your new school expects a bit more than that from your players. They expect them to be, get this, students. No, I’m serious! They actually believe all that scholar-athlete stuff!

    In fact, they believe that all Notre Dame players should be able to excel academically, give back to the community, be proficient at both a string and a wind instrument, stay out of trouble, and play at an NFL first-round draft pick level. It’s so cute how they’re deluded like that. In the eyes of Notre Dame, there’s no reason college football can’t be exactly the way it as in the 1940’s, when there were five other college football teams and Notre Dame won everything. I assure you, that’s always good for a laugh.

    SUBSTANDARD LIVING IN INDIANA

    Welcome to South Bend, Coach Kelly! You’ll love it here. It’s like Cleveland, only with five less available jobs in the car washing sector.

    Now, I know you face an uphill battle recruiting players in the face of strict academic requirements and all that. But this town is where you have a true edge. What player worth his salt is gonna want to go to some BORING town like Los Angeles or Austin – places with awesome weather and piles of insanely attractive women soaring twenty and even thirty feet into the air – when they can come to a depressing and unattractive section of the failing American Midwest? It’s a no-brainer!

    So congratulations to you, Coach Kelly. I’ve heard this is your dream job, and that you’re quite the demanding fellow, so I think this scapegoat gig is a perfect match between a school and a guy who kind of looks like Jerry Lewis. Excelsior to you, Coach Kelly! And remember: Jesus is watching you. Always. Until you're fired.

    Drew Magary is a writer for Deadspin.com.