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Clinton Portis Finds His Lusty Place

Note to D.C.: Don't criticize CP's hair if you'd like a functioning ground game

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    Clinton Portis will NOT be modeling a sweaty jersey, though.

    You've likely heard by now of the spectacular Clinton Portis interview on CSN of a few days ago, in which he stated, hilariously, "I really be wanting to give people my a** to kiss. Like, real talk."

    Part two was even better, perhaps even "realer," though no less kissy: CP explained why it was, way back when, he missed practice. Turns out it was lust, or a lack thereof.

    "When you lose faith in people and you give your all to people, that's just like you being in a relationship and it's a one-sided relationship. If you married and you putting in all the work and you bringing in all the money, you doing everything your husband asked, and he started complaining and he's not happy with you, you don't look good enough, or he don't like your hair, he want your hair curly and you want your hair straight, all of the sudden you lose the lust.

    "You lose the luster for that relationship, and I think that's what I did. Constantly going out giving all I got and having the finger pointed at me, it was just losing the love for the relationship."

    Well, that explains the blond hair: Portis was just trying his best to keep the love alive while his spouse kept nagging. Say what you will about Portis -- and you do -- we'd pay him to stay on the team forever just to keep opining, or give marriage counseling. Even if, technically, it doesn't make sense.

    It does beg the question, though, where is his libido now? Portis and the Redskins have been together for nearly seven years, a point at which sometimes the lust begins to fade on its own into, at best, a fine companionship. That may be OK for couples, but a team in Washington's position doesn't need a slowing running back who's gonna sit in his sweat pants every night watching television. 

    Fortunately, he's determined to find Mike Shanahan sexy.

    "My initial reaction, if we go back to the relationship [with a new regime], was don't fall in love again. Stay lustful. Enjoy the moment for however long it lasts."

    That's right, Shanny. Lust is coming for you, if you let it. For our sakes, cherish it. Don't criticize its hair, or tell it it looks fat. And every now and then, buy it lingerie.

    On second thought, scratch that last part.