Virginia Launches War On Cul-de-sacs

State wants to "decrease traffic" or some such communism

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    An over-the-top graphic illustrates how terrible cul-de-sacs are.

    There are robbers, everywhere, and they want to steal your children. Then they want to sell them on the South Asian black market for a few Euros. It is called Globalization. And the only way to protect the family unit from Globalization is the cul-de-sac, that marvel of suburban planning that prevents criminals from escaping on through roads, after stealing your children.

    And now the state of Virginia wants to destroy cul-de-sacs. Why does Virginia want robbers to steal your children?

    The state has decided "that all new subdivisions must have through streets linking them with neighboring subdivisions, schools and shopping areas." Meaning, goodbye to your precious dead-end circles, Fat Cats.

    The goal is to reduce the amount of traffic that develops when communities grow out from one main road leading to a series of developments ending in cul-de-sacs. Anyone who lives in suburbia has noticed at some point over the last 25 years that getting anywhere -- Best Buy, the supermarket, Applebee's ... and that's about it -- requires driving on one dumb road for 15 minutes, regardless of the destination.

    But better that inconvenience that having your children stolen!

    "Cul-de-sacs are the safest places in America to live," said Mike Toalson, executive vice president of the Home Builders Association of Virginia, which opposes the new rules. "The first lots sold are often on the cul-de-sacs because they are safe." As for developments with single entrances and exits, Toalson said, such configurations ensure that all traffic is local, neighbors watch out for each other and speeds are kept down. "Crooks look for multiple exits."

    Good lord. The "crooks" have already escaped, with your equity.

    Jim Newell write for Wonkette and IvyGate from a gridded street, ahem ahem.