Congress Formally Apologizes to Inauguration Lockouts

...By offering them free stuff

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    Meanwhile, you people get nothing.

    Remember Inauguration? Couple million people on the Mall, a new president? Flubbed oath? Joe Biden wearing his Sunday best?

    ...and maybe a little OUTRAGE?

    Well quell that rage, disgruntled attendee! Because Sen. Dianne Feinstein has released a letter of apology to all inauguration ticket holders who, instead of standing on the freezing cold sod of our National Mall to watch History on a Jumbotron from hundreds or thousands of yards away, stood in a freezing cold purple tunnel for hours, whining about everything.

    And the letter of apology, like all good letters of apology, includes a goodie bag of free stuff!

    Cutting straight to the point, Feinstein's fancy letter from "Congress of the United States" opens with the offer of tangible gifts:

    Dear Fellow American:

    Enclosed is a special, limited edition printing of packets of the 56th Inaugural commemorative programs, invitations, photos of the President and Vice President and a full color photo print of the Ceremony.

    Now shut your trap, Fellow American, okay? Oh right, the actual Formal Apology!

    The Members of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies realize the importance of this day for you and so many other people who braved the cold and waited in long lines for hours.

    We deeply regret that you were unable to witness this historic event and offer our sincerest apology.

    Eh, a $20 gift certificate to Chili's or something would've been better.

    Jim Newell formally apologizes for his work at Wonkette and IvyGate. Maybe.