Joan Rivers Roasted: The Best One-Liners

Comics crush Rivers at Comedy Central roast, and she laughs the hardest

By Mindy Monez
|  Monday, Aug 10, 2009  |  Updated 3:00 PM EDT
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Joan Rivers Roasted: The Best One-Liners

Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers like laughing at themselves almost as much as they enjoy hurling hurtful insults at others.

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You know how comedians always say that when they're around each other they have to pull out the most offensive material possible to make each other laugh? I guess these roasts are a televised example of that.

Anyway, aside from that, the Comedy Central roast was fine, overall. Here were the few jokes that actually made me laugh during the mind-numbingly lengthy roast last night.

"You've been stitched up thousands of times, but you're still sad to look at. You're like the AIDS quilt." -- Greg Giraldo, Re: Kathy Griffin.

"Robin, you look like a syrup bottle." -- Greg Giraldo, Re: Robin Quivers.

"I saw that movie you guys did together. Great TV movie about your lives. It was called Grey Gardens." -- Mario Cantone, on Joan and Melissa.

"I'm not trying to be judgmental. I just hate when someone uses a much more famous relative to further their career. Melissa -- that's my game, b----." -- Tom Arnold

"This isn't a roast, it's an autopsy!" -- Jeffrey Ross, on Joan Rivers' age.

"Joan, you've been called a b---- more times than a white guy serving a life sentence." -- Robin Quivers

"Joan, by the way -- loved you in Saw." -- Robin

"Ohh, it's funny!" -- Joan, scolding the horrified crowd during Jeffrey Ross' set.

"Tonight is a perfect fit for Joan's favorite charity. Melissa." -- Jeffrey Ross

 

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