Finding love in these troubled times isn’t easy, especially if you’re a vampire/werewolf — and have to do an online personal ad.
Sure, it’s flattering to have girls and women the world over swooning over your every move and hair toss but sometimes a guy just wants to connect one-on-one, you know? Without a lot of D-R-A-M-A.
This seems to be the case with “Twilight” heartthrobs Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, as played by Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner in “Twilight” and its sequel, “The Twilight Saga: New Moon,” which opens Friday. Finding love in these troubled times isn’t easy, especially if you’re a vampire/werewolf — and have to do an online personal ad.
Edward’s ad: SUCKER 4 U
If you think that last jerk you dated was the king of ‘Come here, go away,’ then hold onto your cafeteria tray! I will read your mind, haunt your dreams, ruin your birthday and leave white pancake makeup all over your piano keys. And you’ll love every sick, delicious second of it.
Transplanted Midwestern boy seeks Forks-area female for good times and odd line readings. I’m 17 but I seem older, a lot older. I have greenish, goldish, blackish eyes, the metabolism of a coked-up gazelle. And I seem kind of British but I’m really just pale.
Things I enjoy: lunchroom brooding, magical apple catching, talking-in-bed montages, watching girls sleep, playing baseball in the rain, extreme fighting in abandoned churchy, warehouse-y spaces, coming and going as I damn well please, and Suduko. Things I don’t enjoy: sleeping, the sun and “Cougar Town.” Started out good but went downhill.
You be pretty but not that interesting. Brunettes, move to the front of the queue. Oops, there goes my Britishness again.
Jump on my back and we’ll zip through the treetops as one. That’s not a metaphor, so bring bug spray. I will rock your world. I will also rock other worlds that you never even knew existed. You’ll get seasick from all the world-rocking.
You can’t mess up my hair any more than it already is, but it sure is fun to try, right? So hit me up. I’ll make you feel more alive than you’ve ever felt in your life and then kill you, maybe. Can’t rule it out. That’s part of my charm. No fatties.
Jacob’s ad: HOWLIN' 4 U
Some jerk breaks your heart then vanish into thin, foggy air? You can cry on my shoulder all you want. It’s a totally buff shoulder, too, built for crying on. Go ahead, beautiful, let it go. I’m here for you.
Long-haired, Native American hunk-next-door seeks lady love for LTR or tortured love triangle with third party. I’m as loyal as a German Shepherd, a great listener and I may or may not have feelings for CMA Entertainer of the Year, Taylor Swift. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my hair in a ponytail. I’ve also experimented with HairDinis and Topsy-Tails but I’m thinking of just cutting it all off. What do you think I should do?
My passions include long, expository walks on the beach, shapeshifting, snacking on red vines, protein shake parties with my homies and our trainers, gate crashing proms, fixing up cars and motorcycles and making Mario Lopez feel washed up and out of shape.
I’m ready to get serious but first, a confession: Lately, I’ve had this overwhelming desire to howl at the moon. Not sure why. How ’bout you answer my ad and give me a reason howl?
I’m one of the good guys, I swear, and I’m housebroken. Go Mariners.
Dennis Hensley is the author of the books “Misadventures in the (213)” and “Screening Party” and co-host of the iTunes podcast “The Comedy Couch.”