I have a deal with Santa Claus. As long as I stay on the “Nice List,” he lets me have a peek at the “Naughty List.”
Of course, I am always on the Nice List.
So, this year when I got together with jolly Saint Nicholas he showed me the Naughty List of District politicians.
Here is what I saw, verbatim.
“Harry Thomas, Jr. – Very Naughty. Stole money that was supposed to benefit kids. Couldn't be more un-Christmas. In prison. No chimney. No gifts.”
“Tommy Wells – Very Naughty. Last year Dasher got hit by a car while delivering gifts to the District. The poor guy spent the rest of the night limping across the sky. Wells is leading the charge to lower speed camera fines. No gift this year. And if the roads are more dangerous in 2013, I’ll have the Ghost of Christmas Past visit the Wells house.”
“Vince Gray – A Little Naughty. He predicted Robert Griffin III wouldn’t carry the Redskins to the playoffs. Dan Snyder has been ringing my phone off the hook ever since. Does Gray know how much I hate talking to Dan Snyder? One gift: Redskins training facility in the District. Just kidding. No gifts.”
“Jim Graham – Naughty, but 'no crime or unlawful financial interest was suggested.' The reindeer use the Washington Post to paper-train fawns, but I sometimes read it before the pages get yellowed. If you believe what they say, Graham is in a pickle. But it is hard to make sense of this Lottery-Metro stuff. One gift: a new bowtie, but he has to promise not to wear it.”
“Marion Barry – Very Naughty. Elves can’t make every toy, so we outsource a lot of the work. Someone told me that Barry called our Asian shops 'dirty.' No gift this year and if he keeps dealing race cards I’ll send a crew of carolers to his home at 3 a.m. to perform White Christmas.”
“Phil Mendelson – A Little Naughty. You’re the boss now. When the Council behaves like a bunch of drunken elves you own it. Gift: a bigger gavel (instruction book included).”
“Mary Cheh – Naughty. One thing you can say about elves; they understand loyalty. Apparently, Cheh doesn't. She endorsed Gray then turned around and said he should resign. Might be forgivable, but she’s a lawyer and a law professor. Hard to imagine Cheh has never heard of innocent-until-proven-guilty. Gift: a used book, Intro to Law 101.”
There were other names on the Naughty List, but Santa decided I had seen enough.